Every day that we wake up, we make bold steps in our lives. Whether these are steps backwards or forwards is entirely up to our motivations, decisions and rationing- and for me, this entire week has been a very large step back before a big one forward, and one very long meditation on my position in regards to humanity as a whole. We are all, at times, tested by things that shake our perceptions and beliefs to the core, the result of which either leaves us in a stronger or weaker position than we were previously. I, for all my philosophising, and for all my proclaiming a certainty that humans are all, essentially good, have been forced into a state of rethinking after some news and ALL OF THE DRAMA that has unfolded over the past few weeks.
It’s an unfortunate position to be in, of course, where you are chilled to the bone by the actions of certain people, (and the several different dramas that unfurled around me in the past few weeks have all done a magnificent job of magnifying each other and making everything a bit of a disaster in my head). Even though I am not a major player in any of these dramas, they still, unfortunately, have shattered some former illusions, caused me to look at people, and events, in new lights, and generally made the world seem like a much less nice place overall. That is, until I got over the initial shock, and let myself sit in the corner for a bit to think about things.
Yes, my illusions have been shattered- yes, I have spent a week despondent and generally disenchanted with humanity- and yes, this is a good thing. I attempt, as best I can, to deflect the idea that I’m naïve- and I know I’m not, generally. However, there are, like in all people, little corners of the psyche where we still cling to childish notions and beliefs, and where we still have our little stupidities. One of the things that I could see, and was aware of as a problem, was a ridiculously overly-reliant sentimental attachment to a particular group of people, that caused me both extremes of pleasure, and extremes of pain- and with the commencement of one of these dramas, I was so shaken to the core, that I managed to detach myself- my lovely little brain is finally adjusting itself to my less-than-involved role in the dynamic of a group of friends that it has been ignoring this past while. Another thing that has occurred is that, I have been forced to change my views on a large number of people- I rested easy, previously, by thinking, ‘These people are all entirely good, and would never do anything bad, or stupid, or anything like that.’ The nature of all of the things that have occurred, however, has got rid of this notion, (and now I’m aware of how ridiculous it was).
This of course all sounds quite bad, quite doom and gloom, (or at least it does to me). And perhaps it is, perhaps these new revelations mark the end of an era, an end to a particular kind of innocence- whether that is good, or bad, I guess there isn’t a going back. But, for now, I am happy- happy that I am so acutely aware, at this present moment, of how much I have changed over my life, and how the world has moulded me. And that, I think, is beautiful.
Take a moment, now. Sit down, and think- how did you think four years ago, two years ago, last week? Think about the paths your thoughts took, the circuits they made, (and if you don’t know about thought and emotion circuits, go look into the TEDTalk about them that I am in too much of a hurry to find- there’s SUPER WEATHER OUT THERE DAMNIT). Think about how you are different now, and why you have changed, and what you have changed, and whether or not you’re happy with that change. I’ve changed, more than I’m probably aware- I can see the way my brain works, and why it works, and, without sounding vain or big headed, I’m honestly quite proud of myself. (Not in a, ‘Wow, look at me, I’m amazing way’, more in the, ‘N’aww, good boy Jordan, you do clever things sometimes’ way. Although, I think the fact that I have several different levels of thought that all live together in my head and compliment and reinforce each other is probably a very, very strange thing. If not, let me know!) I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished with my life, and the strides I’ve made to be a well rounded person. And I think that that is a very, very healthy way to be.
Now! Now that I’ve said my piece, GO OUTSIDE. Honestly, the sun is out for the first time, and knowing Britain, the last time, for summer. Get out there! Immediately! (Sun is good for depression, and the skin, and for a general sense of accomplishment.) Go!
I’m not going to post a poem this week, because the one I’ve been working on for the past week is one I’m submitting to a competition, because I’m really cool. Next week though. Next week. (He says, knowing he promised that last week.)
I hope you have a super-awesome weekend,
As ever, send me a nice email on jol20@aber.ac.uk,
And, yeah!
I’m a cool person,
Jordan!
I'm a Cool Person. 
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